When Authenticity Requires Difficult Choices

Have you ever wondered if your commitment to develop every team member might conflict with your responsibility to protect the whole team and mission?

Nadia, a composite character from several leaders I've coached, faced this dilemma with a talented specialist, Josh, whose brilliant innovations came packaged with behaviours that steadily eroded team trust.

During our third session, Nadia was visibly frustrated as she recalled months of interventions and dashed hopes.

"I've tried everything," she said. "Regular feedback sessions, structured expectations, training.... What's worse, it requires me to adapt my leadership approach to such an extent that it's eroding the team culture I've built!"

"When you say you've tried feedback, how direct were those conversations?" I probed.

Nadia paused. "I suppose I've been... diplomatic. Focusing on specific incidents rather than patterns. Balancing critiques with praise. Maybe too balanced."

"What would you tell a friend facing this situation?" I asked.

"That they have someone on their team who's unable to acknowledge mistakes, who deflects feedback. That they are not being honest enough about the severity of the problem."

Through our sessions, Nadia gained critical insights:

She recognised her commitment to individual growth had placed one person's development above team wellbeing. Her "diplomatic" approach prevented Josh from understanding the gravity of the situation.

She understood she had been having the conversations she could tolerate, not the ones that were needed. Nadia's discomfort with conflict had masked itself as care and development.

In one of our final sessions, Nadia appeared both sad and relieved. She had developed enough confidence to have the candid conversation with Josh she had been avoiding.

"It didn't go perfect," she admitted. "He was defensive, accused me of suddenly changing expectations. I realised my previous 'candour' had been so diluted he never truly heard it."

Six months later Nadia and I had a casual check in.

"How's the team?" I asked.

"When the situation was resolved, change emerged over the following weeks. Things had deteriorated more than I realised. Now that I can be more consistent in my leadership approach, we are starting to operate with a higher level of trust"

"Also, something unexpected happened last week that I would like to explore further. I received an email from Josh. He wrote that while he still felt blindsided, the conversation was the first time someone had been completely straightforward with him without either sugar-coating or attacking. He'd started to recognise some patterns in his new role."


What difficult truths are you avoiding?

Where are you choosing comfort over your responsibility to provide genuine feedback?